LJ Idol - Week 4 - "I don't skate to where the puck is. I skate to where the puck is going to be."

[garnigal]

This is not how I wanted tonight to go.

It started off great.

We sang, we played. We ate a good supper, and were getting towards the witching hour; the dangerous time of night when reading the situation right can lead to a smooth and joyful hour, but reading it wrong can lead to nothing but a fight.

We read it wrong a lot. After all, she’s only three.

Tonight went spectacularly wrong, though, more wrong that it’s ever gone before. She’s still sobbing, even now.

Like I said, it started off great. She was tired after her first day back at daycare, a little put out that her best friend Henry wasn’t there and wouldn’t be back until next week, but nothing that a few cuddles and some playtime wouldn’t cure.

She didn’t love all of supper, but what toddler does? She ate the mashed potatoes and the peas and corn and tried the ribs, and what more can you ask for. There was a bit of negotiation over dessert, but we won that one handily.

There was naked running and chasing and laughing and a nice long soak in a warm bath and then…

She zigged when I expected her to zag. And I was all alone, in front of an open net - but the puck was at the other end of the ice.

It was the battle of cleaning up, you see. Usually she’s great, sings the cleanup song, uses the net to to swoop up all the little floating toys with the sweetest giggles, pulls the plug and into a nice cozy towel.

But not tonight. Tonight was “No, Never!” and “I don’t want to clean up.”

And I tried to be rational. Maybe that was my mistake.

I kept my irritation in check, and reminded her we needed to do this before jammies and milk and stories. Nothing I said moved her, though. She was unyielding, a pillar of stone. Traits that will serve her well in the long run, yes. But negotiation and knowing when to back off are also traits that will be needed in the future.

Mostly by me, if tonight is any indication.

Anyway, we were at an impasse. She wouldn’t clean up, I wouldn’t back down that she needed to (not sure where she got that stubborn streak, no clue at all).

And I had a brainwave.

She’s three, right? She can talk, it’s time to learn about consequences, she’s headed headed off to school in a few months. Let this be a learning opportunity and a chance for me to get some insight into that mysterious little mind.

Let’s ask her what the consequence should be for not cleaning up.

I figured she wouldn’t come up with anything, not really understand the idea. But no, she instantly came up with a suggestion - don’t help clean up, no stories.

And I zagged again. I should have taken a moment, made sure she knew what she was saying, made sure she knew what she was really giving up. I should have talked it through, given her a few more chances to help. If I’d come up with a consequence, it would have been lighter, gentler; put some of the toys under the sink in time out, for example.

But I didn’t. She suggested no, she can live with the consequences.

And I said okay.

And I cleaned up.

And she started to wail.

Oh, she understood consequences all right. She knew I wasn’t about to back down. These weren’t sobs of anger, they weren’t screams intended to punish me or make me give in.

This was grief. This was regret. This was sorrow.

And my heart broke.

But I stood firm.

I smoothed lotion on her soft skin - she cried.

I dressed her for bed - she cried.

I gave her some milk - she cried.

I brushed her teeth - she cried.

I cuddled her and sang songs (but no stories) - she cried.

I laid her down and told her I loved her and kissed her goodnight and closed the door.

She cried.

She cried for 35 minutes, which both isn’t long and feels like eternity.

She’s quiet now. We all are.

I’m not sure what she learned; I hope she learned that actions have consequences, and that everyone helps out. I’m afraid she learned that consequences can be much worse than the crime, and that Mommy doesn’t give second chances.

I know I learned something. I learned I won’t give in, even in the face of heartbreak. But I also learned that I’ll rationalize a excessive punishment, that I’ll stand behind the wrong choice, just because I don’t want to look weak.

She zigged. And I wasn’t ready for it.

But I will be next time.

Comments

[dmousey.livejournal.com]

I, too, had a stubborn girlie. I feel your pain- buuut, you have to stick to your words once they're said. Otherwise, next time she will be worse. And trust me when I say she learned.

When I took parenting classes for my ASD son, they told me to remember I was bigger, and I was MOM. That I was the one who was supposed to be in control- not a three yr. old. Plus, I found if you asked kids what their punishment should be, most of the time they were worse than what I would've dealt. In fact, some were downright punishment for me! So I softened the blows, and guided where I could.

You did no lasting harm Momma- except to your heart. Hugs and Peace~~~D

[jerusha]

Oof. This one hit home for me after watching my brother and SIL with my nephew, who's about that age. So hard to teach and learn those hard lessons.

[teragramm.livejournal.com]

Being a parent can be tough and even if you know you are doing the right thing, it can be heartbreaking.

The first time hubby and I put our oldest to bed, without giving in to a tantrum he cried for about 35 minutes too. While he cried hubby and I sat on the couch holding hands, giving each out courage not to give in.

[snogged.livejournal.com]

You definitely have to follow through with kids. I may not be a mom, but I have learned to be realistic when giving a consequence to a pushy kid.

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

Excellently done. reminds me of my oldest except he wouldn't have cried. He had a take no prisoners attitude right from the start and was the most stubborn child I've ever seen.

[cindergal.livejournal.com]

As an old(er) mom (my youngest is off to college next year!), let me just say, don't be too hard on yourself. You did the right thing. If there's one thing I've learned, you can't negotiate with a toddler. Tomorrow there will be hugs and kisses and everything will be fine. But I know it hurts right now. Parenting isn't for sissies. <3

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

When it comes to this, everybody is a student! But it's that human factor, the element of individual personality - that's what makes these situations so unique and can't be predicted or planned far in advance.

Great get!

[my-name-is-jenn.livejournal.com]

Well done.

I'm not a parent, but I've worked with kids for close to 12 years (yikes, has it really been that long!?) and one of the biggest things I've learned is that you have to stick to your words.

The whole "If you do/don't do X, then Y will happen" only works if Y actually happens. It's not easy, but it's better for the kids in the long run.

[adoptedwriter.livejournal.com]

You did good! Consistency is a huge deal. Hugs...

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

This was very enjoyable to read, if not to experience. Everyone has their own ideas about being a parent, but I thought you handled this perfectly. It would be interesting to know how the next bath went.

[belenen.livejournal.com]

I think it is wonderful that you recognized what was happening and admitted to yourself that you made a mistake. That is a beautiful and vital part of parenting.

I think one of the most powerful beneficial lessons a parent can teach is how to be wrong. Maybe you could say "I made a mistake letting you pick the consequence. This was too hard of a consequence. I'm going to change it." or something like that? I don't have a kid, but I remember being a kid. If my parents ever admitted to mistakes, we might be friendly now, but they still refuse. And I would have learned how to learn and grow much earlier if they had modeled it.

[j0ydivided.livejournal.com]

This is a really excellent response to the prompt. Well done, and I hope that things with the little one get easier.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

What a terrific and unexpected use of the prompt!

My Dad was a big proponent of kids' choosing their own punishment, but I think only after about age 5 or even later-- because they tend to be too hard on themselves. Your daughter actually picked a pretty suitable punishment... but the value of what she lost was much bigger than she'd realized when she chose it.

i think you did the right thing in holding firm, and you can remind her in the future (if something like this comes up again) that she didn't like how that went. That is how kids learn and form judgment-- weighing those factors, deciding to choose with those ideas in mind.

It can be hard on the parents, though!

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

I remember when my girls were younger and I lost my temper and yelled at one of them in a way that was really out of proportion to whatever it was that she'd done, I responded by putting *myself* in the time-out corner until she said I could come out. It seemed like that helped. But yeah, there'll be moments like these.

[sinnamongirl.livejournal.com]

Ouch, that sounds sad :( I'm not a parent, but I did used to work with kids, and sticking to the consequence is the best thing ever.... in the long run. It's hard to see it in the short term, though. Or even if you totally know it logically, it can hurt emotionally.

[dee-aar2.livejournal.com]

What a unique take on the prompt and the what an important lesson you managed to impart in such a mommy-heart-wrenching way.

Glad you stood your ground and believe me she learnt as much as you did.

Hugs

[jake67jake]

My grand is 3.5yrs and we are going through a push-pull stage. However, as gramma, I reserve the right to go back on the punishment... :)

Can totally relate to your tale. Sorry for her broken heart, but she will learn.

[murielle.livejournal.com]

Aw! This is so well written the fact that it's heartbreaking just sneaks up on you and bites you in the ticker. Brava!

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

Aww! You wrote this incredibly well. As the mother of a 6-year-old, I have experienced many moments like this. As heartbreaking as they are, it does teach them the lessons they need to learn.

[kajel.livejournal.com]

What a great parenting story. Mine are 6 and 7 now. I can still relate to this. lol