Missing Persons Report 4/?
Apr. 25th, 2009 07:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
garnigalTitle: Missing Persons Report
Fandom: Firefly
Prompt: Sunrise
Warnings:
Rating: G (so far)
Word Count: 731
Summary: The crew is making new friends and taking new jobs.
*****
Mal couldn’t help his look of distaste at Norton’s admittance. There was no one to give him grief for it though; the rest of the crew had the same reactions. Norton himself was in such misery at reliving that terrible choice that he didn’t even notice. He simply stared at the floor, tears sporadically dripping off the end of his nose.
In the silence, thick with grief and disgust, was River who took up the narrative. “It seemed like a simple thing, at the first. Kind doctor in the white coat, tests that seem so innocent, just like the doctors in the hospital do. They tell you what you want to hear, your baby is healthy and strong and smart. Very, very smart. And they say your baby is so smart and so healthy that they must continue their tests, but there is nothing to worry about. They’ll finish soon and your life will be normal. But your life, your child’s life can never be the same.”
“And then they tell you about the school.” Simon’s voice came from the corner where he sat with Kaylee on the couch. He sounded lost and heartbroken. Like his entire world was shaken to its foundation.
River slipped from the centre of the room to stand in front of her brother. “You remember?”
“I remember the men in white coats who came to house when you were small. Nanny always took me to play in the park when they arrived. I asked Mother once if you were ill, if that was why the doctors came. She said no, but she seemed so distracted and concerned that I didn’t believe her.”
“That was when you decided to be a doctor,” River whispered, sinking to her knees on the floor. She lay her head on his knee, and Simon absently petted her hair and pulled Kaylee closer to him, clearly seeking comfort from the women who loved him.
Mal cleared his throat and looked back at Norton. As much as he wanted to find out more about what Simon had remembered and what had happened to River, now wasn’t the time. “Mr. Norton?”
“Just as she said. For the first year, they came to the house about once a month. They’d run some tests, never taking long. When Isaac turned one, they said they’d only have to come every six months. I thought that they’d decided I’d paid my debt. When he turned five, they began to only come once a year. I was sure they’d forgiven me. I was so convinced that everything was fine that I disregarded Isaac’s tears after his testing. I ignored my son’s terror of men in white coats. I willfully overlooked by son’s dread of his upcoming birthday. By the time he was nine, I’d lost my son’s trust. I’d failed to protect him and he knew it, even if I hadn’t yet realized what I’d done to him.”
“They came very early on the morning of his tenth birthday, so early it was still dark. Isaac was still eating breakfast. He’d been sulky that morning, arguing about everything. I’d finally jollied him along into a better mood and gotten him to eat something. As soon as the knock came, he stopped eating and stared at the floor. I didn’t have time to wonder, to think about what might have set him off. The frighteningly elegant man was at the door. I hadn’t seen the man since the day I brought Isaac home.”
“He told me that Isaac was a gifted young boy, and that he’d been selected for a special boarding school to help him develop those gifts. I tried to argue, tried to say he was too young to go away. The man was implacable. Isaac must go, and he must go now. I asked about holidays, and summer vacation and when he could come home, but the man simply took Isaac’s hand and led him out the door. Isaac had fought me all morning, but he obeyed this man without question. I watched them walk down the path to the waiting limo, and my son never looked back. The limo drove off. I stayed on the front step and watched the sunrise, knowing in my heart that I’d lost my son forever.”
Fandom: Firefly
Prompt: Sunrise
Warnings:
Rating: G (so far)
Word Count: 731
Summary: The crew is making new friends and taking new jobs.
*****
Mal couldn’t help his look of distaste at Norton’s admittance. There was no one to give him grief for it though; the rest of the crew had the same reactions. Norton himself was in such misery at reliving that terrible choice that he didn’t even notice. He simply stared at the floor, tears sporadically dripping off the end of his nose.
In the silence, thick with grief and disgust, was River who took up the narrative. “It seemed like a simple thing, at the first. Kind doctor in the white coat, tests that seem so innocent, just like the doctors in the hospital do. They tell you what you want to hear, your baby is healthy and strong and smart. Very, very smart. And they say your baby is so smart and so healthy that they must continue their tests, but there is nothing to worry about. They’ll finish soon and your life will be normal. But your life, your child’s life can never be the same.”
“And then they tell you about the school.” Simon’s voice came from the corner where he sat with Kaylee on the couch. He sounded lost and heartbroken. Like his entire world was shaken to its foundation.
River slipped from the centre of the room to stand in front of her brother. “You remember?”
“I remember the men in white coats who came to house when you were small. Nanny always took me to play in the park when they arrived. I asked Mother once if you were ill, if that was why the doctors came. She said no, but she seemed so distracted and concerned that I didn’t believe her.”
“That was when you decided to be a doctor,” River whispered, sinking to her knees on the floor. She lay her head on his knee, and Simon absently petted her hair and pulled Kaylee closer to him, clearly seeking comfort from the women who loved him.
Mal cleared his throat and looked back at Norton. As much as he wanted to find out more about what Simon had remembered and what had happened to River, now wasn’t the time. “Mr. Norton?”
“Just as she said. For the first year, they came to the house about once a month. They’d run some tests, never taking long. When Isaac turned one, they said they’d only have to come every six months. I thought that they’d decided I’d paid my debt. When he turned five, they began to only come once a year. I was sure they’d forgiven me. I was so convinced that everything was fine that I disregarded Isaac’s tears after his testing. I ignored my son’s terror of men in white coats. I willfully overlooked by son’s dread of his upcoming birthday. By the time he was nine, I’d lost my son’s trust. I’d failed to protect him and he knew it, even if I hadn’t yet realized what I’d done to him.”
“They came very early on the morning of his tenth birthday, so early it was still dark. Isaac was still eating breakfast. He’d been sulky that morning, arguing about everything. I’d finally jollied him along into a better mood and gotten him to eat something. As soon as the knock came, he stopped eating and stared at the floor. I didn’t have time to wonder, to think about what might have set him off. The frighteningly elegant man was at the door. I hadn’t seen the man since the day I brought Isaac home.”
“He told me that Isaac was a gifted young boy, and that he’d been selected for a special boarding school to help him develop those gifts. I tried to argue, tried to say he was too young to go away. The man was implacable. Isaac must go, and he must go now. I asked about holidays, and summer vacation and when he could come home, but the man simply took Isaac’s hand and led him out the door. Isaac had fought me all morning, but he obeyed this man without question. I watched them walk down the path to the waiting limo, and my son never looked back. The limo drove off. I stayed on the front step and watched the sunrise, knowing in my heart that I’d lost my son forever.”
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no subject
Date: 2009-04-27 12:40 am (UTC)It seemed like a simple thing, at the first. Kind doctor in the white coat, tests that seem so innocuous (suggest innocent?), just like the doctors in the hospital do. They tell you what you want to hear, your baby is healthy and strong and smart. Very, very smart. And they say your baby is so smart and so healthy that they must continue their tests, but there is nothing to worry about. They’ll finish soon and your life will be normal. But your life*, your child’s life can never be the same.”
*Unless this is a slip up on her part, slipping into her own perspective, I'd suggest "But your child's life will never be the same."
I also replaced "child" with "baby" for the first couple of mentions... to emphasise the age of the testee. I removed some small function words, and also replaced "back to normal" with "normal" mostly because if they did this testing from birth, there never has been a normal to go back to. Normal would be a net new state for this family.
I would take the number of "He sounded..." on the end of the next paragraph down to one. Pick whichever you think is most effective.
I also think "Fast as a blink, River moved" is more agressive than the image I have in my mind of how River would be moving right now... she's drawing this man out, telling his story (and doing the same to her brother), you don't move fast to startle your prey, you know?
More later...
no subject
Date: 2009-04-27 01:43 am (UTC)Looking forward to more.
(One of these days I'll actually edit it before I post!)
no subject
Date: 2009-04-29 01:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-29 02:20 am (UTC)