I have not been a recipient of your original fic, sorry :-( Then again, I don't think you've read anything of mine either.

I always felt the first chapter was a little choppy, but it's a tough write because it's so visual... there's so much going on in the background, foreground, scene changes etc. And you've communicated that very well, and the dialouge is very Buffy :-)

How much critique do you actually want? Should I get out my red pen or let you be? Have you read any William Gibson? He does something with certain words and phrases that I like, that shorten and tighten how things flow.