LJ Idol — Morganmuffel

[garnigal]

(Sadly no Milton this week — maybe next week will have a prompt I can use for it)

It’s always been part of my identity that I’m not a morning person. I’m not an early riser, I don’t wake up cheerful and ready to tackle the day. My entire family will tell you - “oh, she’s just worthless in the morning!”

Growing up on a farm, sleeping in was treated like a moral failing, something that must be fixed. “How will you handle early lectures when you go to school?” “You need to get past this, you can’t be late once you start working!” Despite all their efforts, my naturally preferred waking time was 8:30am, followed by an hour-long wallow in my warm bed with a book.

Today, I’m a week short of 46. I’ve been working full-time since I was 24, and had summer or co-op jobs since I was 17. I’ve had periods of unemployment - high-tech isn’t the most stable of careers - but I’ve never once been fired for chronic lateness. I have a daughter that we walk to school at 8:15, through rain, shine, snow, and sleet. I wake up every morning at 6:30 at the latest to make sure I get at least a few minutes to myself before the craziness begins, and during work from home due to COVID, I often sat down at my desk by 7am. 

I have seen my parents change. In retirement, my mother loves to sleep in and has a book on the bedside to read with coffee when she wakes. She often doesn’t get dressed until 10am. My dad is still an early bird, but often stays up late into the night to watch sports, and relies on an afternoon nap to get through the day.

And yet, my family will still tell you I’m worthless in the morning. That I will bury my head in a book and ignore everything around me, including sensible bedtimes. That you can’t get any useful conversation or thought out of me until noon. This is how they see me. This is how they categorize me. This is my identity - in their eyes.

Their eyes are not my own. Their eyes do not see me clearly, misted as they are with scenes from the past. Their eyes are loving and beloved, but lack clarity into how my life and my family function. 

Some days it makes me crazy, that they don’t realize how much I’ve changed. Most days I’m so grateful that there is still someone who remembers the girl who hated mornings, someone who thinks the girl has the opportunity to sleep past 7am and read into the wee hours. I’d still like to be that person now. 

Maybe in retirement.

Comments

[drippedonpaper.livejournal.com]

If left to myself, I am sure I would be late to bed and late to rise. Like you, I have 2 daughters to get to school and a son to get to work (he's 20 but doesn't drive yet due to autism.)

So yes, if I could sleep in, I would, but most days am up at the late hour of 7am. I used to get up at 5am due to work.

Parents see us as unchanging, don't they? It annoys me how they assume I've never "improved." Your perspective was a good reminder to me that, in some areas, I should appreciate that they remember my childhood years.

Hugs to you! What are you reading these days? Do you like a certain book genre? I love to read and am always looking for good suggestions :)

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

I wish I was a morning person — but now I'm retired, apart from when we're away on holiday, I'm waking up later and later — 9:30 this morning. It's a shame your folks can't get past their memories to see you as you are, but what's important is that you are happy with your life and how you live it.

[jerusha]

I really liked this. I think it captures the way that the view of ourselves tends to harden in the minds of our loved ones until they can't see all the ways we've changed. It can be both irritation and comfort.

[beautyofgrey.livejournal.com]

You speak to something I've been struggling with a bit lately — how to undo those old family dynamics and viewpoints that rely on the old patterns and expectations of who people once were, and trying burn away those so that everyone can have a chance to start over fresh and be seen anew. I appreciate that you can find some gratitude in that and being seen as who you once were, too, as well as recognize the power of who you are now.

[viagra.livejournal.com]

I feel like, when I finally retire, I'm going to be one of those people like my grandmother, who was up at four o'clock in the morning everyday. There was no real reason to be up that early; that's just when she woke up!

[banana-galaxy.livejournal.com]

I think it can be hard for us to change our perceptions of people even as they change. I found that was the case with my ex-husband's perceptions of me, no matter how I changed.

[adoptedwriter.livejournal.com]

Lingering reputations from something long ago are so annoying. Hugs.

[engarian.livejournal.com]

I'm an early bird, but can totally relate the the dream of retirement. LOL

- Erulisse (one L)

[dadi.livejournal.com]

ah, family dynamics! My own family in me still sees the clumsy, chaotic, messy child and youth... which I was, and at the core still am, but fortunately, thanks to medication and discipline, it does not show any more. But still, they never miss an occasion to mention all my disgraces and stumblings and running into glass doors....!

[d0gs.livejournal.com]

Others' false perceptions of us can be so frustrating.

I hope you get to read lots in retirement! <3