LJ Idol Prompt 2: If it's any consolation

[garnigal]

“If it’s any consolation,...”

I ignore the rest of the sentence, because it never is a consolation. It’s always a comparative, a distraction, a reassurance. 

I don’t care if his loss was ‘worse’. I don’t care if there is an event to take my mind off it. I don’t care that you feel sorry for me.

I’m in pain. I want to wallow in it. I’m not ready for your sympathy, your understanding, your attempt to divert my attention.

I’ve lost a lot in my time on earth. Some things are missed but replaceable, while others are an ongoing ache. Not constant; humanity isn’t made for constant pain. I’ve laughed at more than my share of funerals because life is absurd. I laughed when the car alarm on the pall bearer’s car went off as we were filing out of the funeral home; I laughed when the minister asked about music for my utterly tone-deaf grandmother. I laughed when my father put on two different shoes for a funeral and didn’t realize it until we arrived. I laughed when the minister sounded like a monster truck announcer.

At first, the laughter hurts as much as the tears. ‘This is the first thing I’ve laughed at I can’t share with her.’ The guilt of continuing is as painful as the loss itself. But even on the day of the funeral, you find pleasure in the sandwiches and the platters of squares. You find peace in the people around you, the place where you’ve stood awkwardly facing their losses with them.

Because humanity is not made for constant pain. Humanity is not made for constant joy. Humanity’s very inconstancy is what helps us survive and helps us progress. It helps us deal with the losses and the joys to come.

This pain will be overshadowed by other losses, other pains, other joys and other sorrows. Not forgotten, but churned together with the vast range of emotions that make up a human life.

So do not be consoled. Wallow in the pain, shiver through the joys. Remember it. Remember those you love and miss, and enjoy those you love and have. Speak of your miseries and your triumphs.

And when those around you suffer a loss, do not console. There is no comfort to be had in these moments. Acknowledge the pain, as you will acknowledge future joys.

Comments

[serpentinejacaranda]

This is a sharp piece, communicating a particular stage of grief so accurately that some of the emotions are instantly recognizable, if not painful. The absurd thoughts, The balancing of humor with the impossibility of a loss.

What especially surprised me was how the piece seems to form itself into a kind of eulogy by the end, the kind the writer themself wishes they could receive instead of empty platitudes or silence.

[garnigal]

What a wonderful reading of this. I've been to a lot of funerals (40 before I started university) and find the combination of consistent ceremony and individual emotion fascinating.

[jerusha]

This was really beautiful.

[garnigal]

Thank you!

[halfshellvenus]

There is rarely anything you can say in the moment that will help, unless it's simply that whatever pain you share shows that someone else is feeling the loss of the person who mattered so much to you. I think it helps a little to know that other people are also grieving, that the world is not just spinning onward without notice.

I laughed when the minister sounded like a monster truck announcer.
oooOOOH NOOOOooo!

[garnigal]

He had a phenomenal voice. Mom and I couldn't look at each other for fear of losing control. We just bowed our heads and pretended our shoulders were shaking from crying.

[hafnia]

I understand that people try to relate through sharing their own losses when confronted with someone who has suffered a recent one, but I like you don't find it consoling. Sometimes it's enough to say "that sucks" — acknowledging their pain — and move on.

Short, punchy, and a great response to the topic.

[garnigal]

Thank you.

[muchtooarrogant]

Good advice. It does always feel like the consolation is more for the consoler than the consolee.

Dan

[garnigal]

I find it ties into the feeling of 'if it happened to you, I'm safe. It can't happen to both of us.' False, but very human.

[lunabee34]

This is very raw and powerful.

[garnigal]

Thank you!

[bleodswean]

I love this very very much. Do NOT be consoled. Do NOT walk away in sadness. The great churning, indeed. So well written!

[garnigal]

Thank you!

[desdemonaspace]

You scared me! I thought you'd lost someone close to you. I'm glad to see that the piece is fiction. Excellent fiction.

[garnigal]

I've lost many people over the years, it's hard to get through life without loss. Fortunately, it's been a few years. But I see my parents and other relatives aging and I know I'm due for another run of funerals.

[legalpad819]

Taking time to wallow has absolute value!

[garnigal]

Thank you for reading, agree 100%

[alycewilson]

Well said. I love how you got into the reality of grief.

[garnigal]

Growing up in a small town you go to more funerals than weddings. It's something very well known to me.

[eeyore_grrl]

This is very true. It always hurts. And Acknowledgment is the only way to go.

[garnigal]

100%. Let us be sad. Be willing to be sad with us. It won't last forever.

[roina_arwen]

This is a very thoughtful piece. Thank you for sharing.

[garnigal]

Thank you!

[marjorica]

Well said

[garnigal]

Thank you.

[adoptedwriter]

This is amazing and something I personally needed to read right now!

[garnigal]

Thank you, and I"m sorry you need to read about grief right now.

[adoptedwriter]

It’s actually helpful. I might want to share if that’s ok.
My mom is in Hospice. Not looking too good.

[garnigal]

Of course you can share this if you think it will help someone. I'm honoured.

[kizzy]

This is a perfectly rendered by a realist who accepts the fact that most people refuse to accept toward the end of their life. As the mother of one of my childhood friends once quipped, "Don't bother putting flowers on my grave. They're for you, not me. In fact I won't even know that you're there." My friend burst into tears and fled. I remember standing there thinking, "Yeah...she's right. Funerals are for the living." Mind you, I was maybe 10 or 11 at the time?

I love how short and punchy this is. There's talent in distilling a prompt into its very essence and you did it very well :)

[garnigal]

Thank you so much! I do love a funeral though. Definitely for the living, but at the time of loss you need to do something to remember you are still alive, even if it's just eating too many nanaimo bars.

[kizzy]

Ooh, I haven't had a nanaimo bar in ages!

Right now we're dealing with my MIL who is on what's called "comfort cancer care". She's 91 and would rather pack it in but no, my husband and his sibs are insisting she goes through treatment even though the side effects are miserable for her.

[garnigal]

Ugh, that's hard. My FIL died in his sleep of a heart attack about a week after he got a lung cancer diagnosis. We are convinced he decided that he didn't want to deal with treatment. He'd had stomach cancer in his late 30's, and while treatment has improved, he knew what he was in for and opted out.

[rayaso]

Grief, especially other people's grief, is so very complicated. I know someone who recently lost her daughter due to illness, and I have nothing I can say to her. I call her and just let her cry.

[garnigal]

My cousin died in a car accident over 20 years ago. Aunt Jackie has never been the same, but eventually she did find ways to be joyful again.

You are being a very good friend to the person who lost her daughter.

[drippedonpaper]

This is a very wise piece.

I especially like this part. I think I need to print it out and read it often (giving you credit of course):
"Because humanity is not made for constant pain. Humanity is not made for constant joy. Humanity’s very inconstancy is what helps us survive and helps us progress. It helps us deal with the losses and the joys to come.

Wallow in the pain, shiver through the joys. Remember it. Remember those you love and miss, and enjoy those you love and have. Speak of your miseries and your triumphs."

I have noticed the inconstancy in life and never quite thought about it the way that you explain it. Your words really ring true for me. Thank you so much for sharing this!

[garnigal]

I'm always speechless when people pull out my words that really mean something to them.

Thank you!

[fausts_dream]

Yeah I mean sometimes you're just not ready to be consoled.

When my brother took his life it was pretty bleak and I was carrying a low-level mad on because they didn't ask me to host the celebration of life service.

The gentleman that did was quite religious and my brother wasn't.

I just got madder and madder. They had found some collectibles at my brother's house nothing that seriously meant much to him but without knowing him well this guy had decided to display them.

. The guy couldn't pronounce memorabilia and kept calling it Memor Ab Lee Ah. Like an abdominal muscle.

After about a third time Lane's very literate friends, started to chuckle.

It gave me enough composure to read his obituary and a Dickinson poem and even make a few comments without issues. Absurdity is a good defense against absurd things.

Enjoyed this

[garnigal]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were close to your brother and you have some great memories to enjoy.

I grew up in a small town, and the local funeral home has buried all our relatives. He told us after Grandpa's funeral that he was so grateful that it was one of our funerals that the car alarm went off, because not everyone in town has a sense of humour about these things.

I think even the most dour would have had to snicker at Memor Ab Lee Ah.