Writing Drabble

[garnigal]

This came from a conversation at WriterCon about the annoying places inspiration strikes. It certainly doesn't happen when you sit down in front of your computer!

Writing

He felt foolish standing in the checkout line surrounded by hyperactive children and harried mothers.

Even the store itself was intimidating. Parking spots were reserved for everyone except him. The racket was incredible and children ran everywhere, paying no attention to anything in their path. He wondered how their parents could keep an eye on their progeny, until he realized that the parents didn’t care about their children’s antics and bad behaviour.

Despite the unpleasant ambiance, Giles persevered. Leaving Toys ‘R’ Us with his bag clutched tight, he was satisfied. Inspiration would never catch him unprepared in the shower again.

Comments

[whatawookie.livejournal.com]

Two things
1) How are we supposed to know he's buying shower crayons, because I was just plain confused why he was in Toys'R'Us.
2) Are you looking for edits?
Last sentence, second paragraph I feel should end with "until he realized that they simply weren't."
Given that this is Giles, you could bump change "harried" mothers with something more Rolling-Stone-ish, playing up the in attention/numbness of the parents. To me, the word harried implies that they are paying attention, and we nix that in the second paragraph.

[garnigal.livejournal.com]

I was afraid the shower crayons thing was too subtle. But I didn't want to give away the punchline. I'll have to play with it a bit more.

And I like your suggestion for the end of the second paragraph (plus it gives me more words to play with!)

I kind of equate harried more with hurried and the lack of attention that implies, but that could totally be my own connotation. I'll have to look it up. I liked the British snobbery implicit in harried as well. I'll email you a new version when I incorporate all your suggestions!